New year. New Goals. New Name.
This past year we had a lot of fun and overcame a lot of obstacles. Instead of trying to sell as much as possible, we focused on product quality and operational excellence. For example: to cater all of our customers in 86 countries across 5 continents who order a meal of Joylent every 12 seconds, we upscaled the capacity of our inhouse production to over 5.500 bags daily (up from 1.200 at the beginning of 2016).
Also, thanks to the ideas of our beloved fulfillment guys and girl (yes, the people who draw on your orders when requested), we changed the fulfillment process which made it much more efficient. We can now send out orders on the same day they are placed all the way up to 2pm in the afternoon. We even reached this goal on our record day, Black Friday (in which we doubled our last record day, the launch of the Twennybar, and sold more than 40.000 meals. Wuuuut!?).
Breaking the News
Ok, everyone hold onto their knickers. We’re going to...
Joylent is here to help you reach great heights.
Human life is way too short to waste time on meaningless achievements. We’re meant to reign supreme. To reach far away galaxies, climb soaring mountains, rank high in online Call of Duty rankings and, most of all, set world records for doing dumb stuff. While that may seem impossible at first, it’s do-able. If you know the tricks, that is. Here’s a Joylent guide to setting weird World Records the easy way.
Pick an easy target
Look, you’re not gonna hop around the world on one leg just to make a point. Let’s just keep it easy, alright? Better yet, keep it extremely easy. Look up all the World Records that have been set to this day and pick one that can be beaten. Just google ‘easy world records to break’. For now, let’s just assume you’re going to set a world record eating the planet’s largest amount of Joylent–which we discourage strongly–for fun’s sake....
So you’re switching things up a bit in 2017? Great plan, you’re worth it. New Year’s resolutions make up the easy first step to becoming a better person. Now, actually doing it is where it gets hard.* How can a life loving individual eat healthier, spend less money, sport harder and be a nicer person all at the same damn time? Seems impossible. Unless, of course, you use Joylent to help you.
Healthy eating is like responsible skating. It can be done, but it will definitely get boring fast. To avoid that pour some Joylent into your mouth and BOOM, you’re fed. If you play your cards right, you won’t have to eat ever again. We advice against that though, since most unhealthy food tastes awesome.
Work out more
Staying in shape is the hardest thing mankind has been trying to do since reaching the moon. Luckily, some 30 years after we set foot on luna Joylent introduced a Sport edition making it possible for the human race to stay fit with...
2016 has been another crazy year for us. The third one in a row, to be exact. We delivered a huge amount of Joylent all around the planet and by doing so, we did our fair share of spreading joy to the world. To give you an impression, we’ve gathered the most mind boggling stats about last year. This was our 2016 in a bunch of numbers:
13612 emails were sent by our customer service this year. They were kind of shocked when they saw that number.
85 different countries received Joylent this year. That’s about 43% of the total amount of countries in the world!
15500 kilometers (9630 miles) to French Polynesia was our farthest shipment to date. For fun, check out this map:
1250 games of ping pong have been played in our office. Data on who won the most games is skewed.
10 on a scale of 10! That’s what we give you guys and girls because we love you whatever year it is.
Have a great 2017!
Ah, good ol’ holiday season has arrived. Time of jolliness and stuff. Unless you’re a loner, r a person that just doesn’t enjoy Christmas much. As a matter of fact, there’s a lot of real reasons to be alone this Christmas. We understand. We ourselves feel lonely every Christmas. Because let’s be honest it’s just not the right holiday for fast, efficient and cheap food. So we figured we’d share our tips to having some good ol’ solo Christmas fun.
Serve a very Joylent Christmas dinner
Who cares if you have some kind of stuffed chicken you aren’t going to finish anyway? And would you rather spend 24+ hours in the kitchen or 5 minutes? Do you prefer 100% of the all the nutrients you need or just some small portion? Let’s face it, without people around, you might as well have some Joylent Chocolate for dinner.
Normally we try to save you time, but in this case, you have two entire days on your hands. Two...
We’re in the business of making your life easy and fun. We try to accomplish that by making delicious complete meals that save you the time, effort and money you need to spend on fun things. But every once in awhile we also try to provide you with some fun stuff ourselves. This year, our marketing team (read: our illustrator Josse) has been working their asses off to give you silly memes, funny pics and cute little gifs. This right here is a collection of the thing you guys liked the best, or we thought were worth sharing again. Have fun.
Most accurate comparison
Niftiest monday post
Most convincing before / after
Coolest film reference
This is one of the coolest #StickingWithJoylent pics we got.
Not published but then again, who cares?
We all know Joylent is capable of a lot. Feeding us, saving us time, money, effort, and so forth. Still, it’s a product that’s designed to be used in prosperous times. Fun times, happy times. But what happens when shit hits the fan? Ya’ll know what I’m talking about: What happens when zombies attack?
Don’t panic. Even during a zombie apocalypse, Joylent has your back. Recent scientific research shows that our tasty products are remarkably effective in battle against our undead opponents. So, without further ado, here’s a summary of how Joylent might be able to save your life during a zombie invasion. Please read it very carefully, print it out in threefold and be sure to have a print in your bomb shelter at all times.
Stuff your fallout shelter with Joylent
There are five keys elements that will help you survive a zombie raid on your bunker: oxygen, water, secure space, food and weaponry. A delicate balance between these things is essential...
Lee Primeau has been eating nothing but Joylent for six months. Just as an experiment. The six months are now a wrap and we’re glad to announce Lee is still very much alive and kicking. Not only that, he has some medical evidence to back it up. Since he’s a BSc Food and Nutrition student with the University of Alabama, he went and got his blood tested before, during and after the experiment. You can read all about it on Lee’s own blog here: https://eathealthleeblog.wordpress.com/. But we also tried to sum up the results and make it readable for y’allz. But TL;DR, he’s perfectly healthy.
First, the good stuff
Ideally, you want the ratio between your high-density lipoprotein (good cholesterol) and overall cholesterol below 3,5 to 1. When Lee started his experiment his ratio was 3,5 to 1. After a month of Joylent it dropped to 3,2 to 1. Which is good, because that gives you less chance of heart disease.
Lee began the experiment...
Joylent is made for almost everyone. Though, some people seem to enjoy it even more than others, like students, for example - and we know why. There’s barely any time for studying in a party-filled life, never mind preparing decent food. Here at Joylent, we see it as our duty to support the great minds of tomorrow. So we thought it would be a great idea to put together a nice guide on how to use Joylent to binge
drink study as efficiently as possible.
Your Twennybar is key
Are you studying so hard there’s barely any time left to put together a shake? Is drinking prohibited in the library? Are you hungry in traffic? Say no more. The Twennybar is here to save the day. Twenty percent of everything you need in a tasty bar the size of a small remote control.
Buy in bulk
As with most stuff, it pays to buy in bulk. The more Joylent you stock up on, the cheaper it gets. This way our amazingly cheap powdered food gets even cheaper. That’s, like, a whole lotta...
According to smart scientists, us westerners could be eating a whole lot healthier. Too much sugar and fat, not enough fruit, vegetables and fish. Shocking on one hand, however we kind of understand why. Nobody has time for a healthy diet. Besides, vegetables are kind of gross and fish is crazy expensive. Unfortunately, that’s why we miss out on a bunch of vital stuff like vitamins and fatty acids. Since Joylent wishes a healthy diet upon the entire western world, we decided to list five solutions to this problem. Unintentionally they all come down to the extremely healthy, cheap and superhumanly efficient product we happen to sell.
Have Joylent for breakfast
Mornings are made for smashing the snooze button. Even if you’re a morning person, you’ll have to admit the morning is the most terrible moment imaginable to eat fish and vegetables. No worries though, there’s a way to work around that. It’s called Joylent. It does not taste like fish at...